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Work In Progress - Part 1 by ~BigGreenBook:iconBigGreenBook:



The night froze as bats sung overhead. Finally, he was home.

He sat sombre atop the roof of his cabin, the biting wind didn’t affect him. As he slowly rose, his flowing black-grey hair whipped around his deep and soulful eyes. His torn shirt had long lost its buttons so hung open, his jeans also showed their age with tears and stains.

He thought back to who he was before the change, the thin, blond haired blue-eyed boy he used to be. He was thin. He was scrawny. He was pathetic. But most of all…he was alone. He had long since stopped noticing his increased strength, dexterity and almost photographic memory, but there was still one thing he could never get used to…

His instincts told him it was time to move. It was all about the instinct now. The voice deep inside. The knife’s edge decision made without a moments hesitation. He yawned slightly and flexed his arms in an almost feline stretch.

He leisurely strolled to the edge of the roof and scanned the surrounding woodlands. He glanced downward and grimaced. Heights bother him. He took a few backward steps and then launched himself impressively into a young fern. It wasn’t really that young, but age is relative.

The fern bent a little as he was at the thinnest part, but soon swayed in the breeze again. Another thing he had noticed since the change, he seemed almost weightless. He felt the calming breeze as he once again scanned from his new vantage point. He pushed softly to test the strength of the frail looking branch that held him *snap*

His eyes slammed shut as the earth flew towards him. A second later he lurched to a stop and his eyes crept open. He saw a sheer drop and his hair and shirt dangling towards the ground, he held himself by a single arm. Once again, instinct has saved him. His other arm and legs pointed rigidly upwards, keeping the balance.


‘I hate heights…’
©2005-2010 ~BigGreenBook
:iconbiggreenbook:

Author's Comments

This is the first part of a PROBERLY 3 part short story... This is my first Prose, so please LOTS OF FEEDBACK and BE NICE! Hehe

Comments


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:iconsilvarith:
the plot is intrigueing! wonder what will happen next >_< . as for advanced critique? maybe not so often used "He" focuses...i mean you could put in other words things about him, to describe him without actually saying "He''his''him'' etc...Does he have a name?! ...
you could addapt the surroundings to him and set the mood....makes me think of a silent guy and silent guys always have something to say, worth listening 2....what's the story?!
:excited:

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Rise and Shine, mothafucka!:dygel:
:iconbiggreenbook:
Hmm, thanks 4 the help... i am using He to try and make the reader ask his name... so i guess that worked :D hehe

and as 4 the story... U'll just have to wait and read! :p




Muhahaha...

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:boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie:
:crazy:My fear of Squirrels is perfectly rational.....:crazy:
:boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie:
:iconshards-of-glass:
Good... apart from the typos i pointed to you :P

I cant wait for part two.

The way in which this portion is told confirms that he is solitary, Im presuming he is some sort of vampire. They are normally dipicted as solitary. Its good, a nice balance of drecription without going ott.

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Photomanipulation: [link]

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New to deviantART: [link]
:iconbiggreenbook:
A vampire eh? That... a theory I spose... Hehe

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:boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie:
:crazy:My fear of Squirrels is perfectly rational.....:crazy:
:boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie:
:iconshards-of-glass:
ah! ignore me then, i just presumed. At least he isnt scared of highs anymore.

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Photomanipulation: [link]

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New to deviantART: [link]
:iconbiggreenbook:
quiet u! :P

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:boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie:
:crazy:My fear of Squirrels is perfectly rational.....:crazy:
:boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie:
:icontinkerbell-dfc:
Awesome, I WANA READ MORE!!!!!! lol. Luv it xoxox

--
If yew cling to tears of the past, Yew leave no room for the future
:iconbiggreenbook:
Soon melove, soon!

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:boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie:
:crazy:My fear of Squirrels is perfectly rational.....:crazy:
:boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie::boogie:
:iconmiquest:
I love that opening line and it makes one want to read on. Some of the images in this are splendid, but, it sometimes gets buried in the language. What do I mean? Well for e.g:
"The night froze as bats sung overhead. Finally, he was home." (that line, that image...) I think ( only an opinion) reads / speaks better with a little consideration of grammaaaaa...
" The night froze; bats sang overhead. Finally, he was home." Please, please please don't think that I think I can write any better than you, I can't. There are odd uses of tense that trip the flow up is all.
Bloody heck what do I know.
I do like this and I am coming back to see part two. I ave no theroies as to how you will pan it out. But I gather 'he' may be a baddun and up to no good...
The singing of bats... love it...

--
Nothing ever stays the same
Except the need for constant change

The Cow Egg Review @ deviant art - [link]

Malroys on the web - [link]

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November 9, 2005
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